Hello friends, it’s been a little while! I’ve been splitting my attention between far too many things, and some areas of my life have necessarily been pushed aside somewhat. This blog and my related social media accounts have been the first things to get ignored, but this brings me to what I’m writing about today: decisions.
I find myself, as I have more than a few times before in my life, at a crossroads. I’ve always had many interests, but few passions, so I’m usually feeling drawn in many apposing directions at once with my time and energy. Sometimes this becomes so draining and uncomfortable that I’m faced with a decision. What am I doing that I really want to do, what do I think about the most, and what do I find reasons to avoid doing? This is the question I’ve been having to ask myself for the last month or so.
I’ve been trying to divide my attention and time between being a wife, finishing my undergrad, taking care of my home, blogging/social media for Chronic and Blessed, co-leading a chronic illness, depression, and anxiety group at church, and my newly acquired hobby-turned passion- refinishing furniture. Some of those things require my attention no matter what; loving my husband, completing assignments, fulfilling my commitments to the small group, and keeping the house clean. But I slowly learned some things about myself as I began to realize I was spread too thin.
- I love to work with my hands doing something creative.
All I’ve been able to think about, all I’ve dreamt about, has been my furniture projects. They fill me with excitement, creative energy, joy, and satisfaction. I haven’t felt this kind of passion for any activity since my horse crazy days (it’s been many many years).
- I don’t love sitting behind a computer, writing, or trying to stick within a niche on social media.
I’ve been told my whole life that I’m a skilled writer, and have always excelled in any assignments or tests involving writing. But just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you love it. I do enjoy creative writing at times, but only when the inspiration hits. Otherwise, I don’t like the feeling of being isolated and stationary for long periods of time. I’m far too restless and extroverted! Finally, I realize that forcing myself into a niche on social media gives me a constant, low level feeling of anxiety that just isn’t worth living with.
- Staying focused on my illness for the blog and social media is beginning to make it harder to heal.
For a while, writing about illness really helped motivate me to work toward healing and live healthy. But I’ve made a lot of progress, so much so that continuing to focus on my health is holding me back from living my life. I need to focus on the “light at the end of the tunnel” that is remission, which I get closer and closer to every day. But as I get better I’m more free to have some normalcy, and I don’t want my focus on my condition to make me feel like I can’t have that. There comes a time in the healing journey, whether from illness, trauma, or loss, that we have to shift our focus from our suffering to the opportunities we have as we heal.
So my point in all this is that I will be stepping away form Chronic and Blessed to focus on what I truly love and what’s most important to me. This decision has lifted a weight of stress off of me that I didn’t know was there. But It also reminds me how much I have learned from the chronic illness community, how much love and support I’ve been shown, and how thankful I am to have made these connections. You are beautiful, strong, resilient people who are loved in such a special way by God. I’m thankful that I’ve gotten to hear your stories and that you’ve come alongside me on this journey. Even if I’m able to achieve remission I will always be part of this amazing community. The world may not be able to see what we go through, but we do, and I could never forget it.
I hope anyone who wants to stay connected will follow me on Instagram @beetlebumm8 or my account for furniture projects @heartwoodsvintage.
Thank you all for the support over the last year! I wouldn’t be where I’m at without all of you. May God bless you in ways you could have never imagined. You are loved!